2005

So what’s up with the Christmas card this year? Well, it seems that many retailers have decided to completely eliminate any mention of Christmas in their stores this year because they are afraid of offending people. For example, last month we purchased a Christmas stocking for Katelyn from Target. On the label it read “holiday stocking”. We came to find out that nothing in their store said “Christmas”. Many retailers are doing the same. This is also occurring in schools. Our daughter Emily, for example, has been taught in pre-school that a “Christmas Tree” is a “holiday tree” and even now she vehemently insists that what we have in our living room is a “holiday tree”. So we decided to take a stand this year on “Christmas” using our family’s card to make a point. We figured that if we were going to say something as offensive as “Merry Christmas” we had better say it through a non-threatening and non-offensive character from the comic strips. And who better to help us make our point that the loveable character “Felix” from the comic “Felix and His Amazing Underpants” published by Viz Comics. I mean, how could anybody take offense at a picture of a grown man who wears only underpants… even if he does say something like “Merry Christmas” (horrors!). By the way, we’re mailing a copy of our card to the corporate headquarters of Target. We would have delivered it in person, but seeing as how we stopped shopping there and everything. Anyways, on with the write up. What’s up with the Wedding family?

Don (age 40): Don had a rather eventful year in 2005 that was marked with victory in the arena of athletic competition, hanging out with celebrities, and climbing the corporate ladder. In the first of these venues (sports), Don spent the year playing tennis at every opportunity. Those of you who know Don are well aware of his natural athletic prowess. This ability came in handy during a tennis game in April when Don tripped over a tennis ball and chipped a bone in his right hand. If it weren’t for his superhuman cat-like reflexes, he might have been seriously injured. So, with cast and all Don entered the Twinsburg Tennis league and played left-handed. Even playing with his weaker hand, Don was able to win more matches than last year. Well, actually he only won a single match against a 70-year old guy who was just learning how to play. But still, that was one more than last year. At this rate, Wimbledon cannot be far away. In keeping with his tennis theme, Don also commissioned a tailor to make him a custom made official Bobby Riggs “Sugar Daddy Tennis Jacket”. Don’t even ask what it cost him. His wife is still furious. Anyways, the tailor did a great job but sadly forgot that maybe taking Don’s measurements might be a good idea. So, to make a long story short, the jacket did not fit. Don was forced to donate the jacket to Billy Jean King’s charities and he even received a thank you letter and autographed photo from the lady tennis legend! (Don eventually got a new jacket made that did fit in case you care!). Also, on the celebrity front, Don met John Rinaldi (of Cleveland’s “Big Chuck and Lil’ John” fame) and David Deming who is the son of Lawson Deming (who played Saturday TV horror show host “Sir Graves Ghastly”). Singer/Song writer Wally Pleasant played in Don’s fantasy football league. But Don annoyed everybody so much in the league it’s likely that neither Wally nor anybody else will come back for another year. But the coup de gras of Don’s celebrity stalking occurred when Don’s constant emailing of comic strip writer Neal Rubin resulted in Don getting written into the nationally syndicated comic strip “Gil Thorp” as a walk on character named “Donnell Wedding”. We’ve even attached a few of the comics just in case anybody is as impressed with this accomplishment as Don was. (Don is also amused by bright shiny objects.) On the career path, Don left the banking industry after 6+ years and joined the auto insurance industry where he determines the risk of drivers. At his interview he claimed to be an expert on auto insurance because he knew that women drivers were the worst. Unfortunately, his preliminary research in the field has not yielded much because the computers keep telling him (with mathematical certainty) that the greatest threat to American roads and humanity in general are not women, but rather uncoordinated middle-aged males who stalk little known celebrities. Don has double checked these results and found them statistically significant. But yet, they don’t make sense. He will continue to unlock this riddle and report back in 2006.

Kathryn (age 30): Kathryn claims that most of 2005 has been spent on taking care of the four children living in our home*. A typical day starts at dawn when she must get Donald ready for kindergarten, get Emily ready for pre-school, and feed our new baby Katelyn every few hours. When not feeding and dressing the kids, Kathryn has time to enjoy herself with more frivolous ventures like cleaning the house and cooking dinner. After dinner, she has a relaxing evening in store for her as she tries to give the kids baths (which she equates to putting frogs in a barrel), getting teeth brushed, putting jammies on, and children in bed by a reasonable hour (midnight). By the way, you haven’t lived until you see a grown woman chase a naked, drenching wet two-year old around the house. Strangely enough, she seems to thoroughly enjoy her life and spends most of her days smothering her family with love. When not being a domestic engineer, Kathryn attends two Bible studies (that’s how she is able to make peace with the fact that she is married to Don). Kathryn also worked on the Vacation Bible School for the second year in a row and works as a freelance Graphics Designer in her spare time. Check out her web site at http://www.galleryKMW.com/. One of Kathryn’s new activities is being a lunch mom. Although opening milk cartons, cleaning up spills, and maintaining a semblance of order in a sea of chaos might seem glamorous, Kathryn says the best part of the job is spending more time with Donald and seeing him with his new kindergarten friends.

* Editor’s Note: I’m pretty sure there are only 3 kids in the Wedding Household.

Donald (Age 5 ½): Another sterling year for Donald as he started kindergarten. This year he was excited because he got to ride the school bus! (Of course Mom and Dad have not yet stopped worrying). Donald is doing well at Sts. Cosmas and Damian School and he made the Kindergarten honor role and got a certificate for his good behavior. Mom and Dad beamed with pride. His spare time is spent taking Tennis lessons in the summer and Kung Fun in the winter. He also enjoys anything involving Power Rangers, Speed Racer, Batman, and Spider Man. Donald’s most amazing accomplishment was last February at the tender of age of four. Donald competed in the “Chess For Success” program at the Cleveland Public Library. Due to a scheduling snafu, Donald showed up on the “older kids day” and he competed against kids who were 10 years old and up. Donald won 2 of 3 games and came home with a trophy! Watch out Bobby Fischer. Clearly, Donald is a well-rounded renaissance man.

Emily (Age 2 ½): 2005 has been a year of discovery for Emily. First, she as discovered her life’s passion: tormenting her older brother, Donald. This usually involves wanting/demanding/taking absolutely anything that Donald is using. Her favorite quote: “I need that!” If she does not get her way, she moves into her second passion in life: being a drama queen. She seems to thoroughly enjoy throwing herself on the floor and having a good old-fashioned temper tantrum. But don’t get the wrong impression. Emily is versatile. She’ll throw a tantrum for ANY reason: e.g. she might not want to eat what Mamma cooked, she may not want her diaper changed, she may want the sippie cup with the red lid and not the blue lid. Who knows? You name it! Mamma and Daddy have decided that the best way to deal with this problem is to be fair but firm. Above all, we send a consistent message to Emily about this behavior. When Emily has a tantrum, Kathryn tosses Emily in the corner until she calms down. Whereas, Don thinks it’s really cute and just gives Emily anything she wants. Somehow, this approach isn’t working. In all seriousness, Emily is a total delight to the family. Daddy, Mamma, and Donald adore her and treat her like a little princess. Emily also seems to totally love her new little sister and her favorite thing is sitting on the couch and holding Katelyn on her lap! She’s a wonderful “big sister”. As for academics, Emily started pre-school this year and by all accounts is doing great in school. She has also seemed to inherit her Mother’s gift for art. Emily is already drawing pictures that are quite amazing, especially when you consider that she’s only two years old. We’ll be putting some of her early works up for auction on Ebay. Invest now! Oh ya, one last thing. We recently rented the really lame 1973 documentary entitled “The legend of Boggy Creek” which is a movie about Bigfoot. Now Emily is really afraid of Bigfoot and she refers to him as the “Foggy Creep”. We think that’s pretty funny.

Katelyn (Age 4 ½ Months): The newest member of the Wedding household initially appeared to be Trouble (that’s trouble with a capital T). She sent us to the hospital on a false alarm when she gave us all the signals that she was going to be born early. Then after lulling us into a false sense of security decided to be born when we least expected it: 6 hours before the doctor was going to induce. Don and Kathryn sped to the hospital literally running red lights and breaking every known traffic law. We got to the hospital with literally minutes to spare. Whew! That was close. Well, that was apparently the worst of it. Since then, Katelyn has been the world’s best baby. She only cries when she is hungry, tired, or needs to be changed. Otherwise, she is always happy and smiling. Also, Katelyn is truly a beautiful baby. Take a look at the web site and see for yourself! For fun, Katelyn helps Mamma with “lunch mom” duties. Katelyn rides “shotgun” (technically she’s in a baby pouch), but she keeps an ever-vigilant eye open for kids who take two milks or don’t eat the crusts on their sandwiches. Katelyn has turned into a real street-wise lunch monitor, sort of in the mold of Robert Blake’s “Beretta”.  Her motto? Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. Actually, in the kindergarten class the motto is: Clean your mess up, or your name goes in the yellow cup!