OK, the question that everybody is about to ask is why we have one of those lame photo cards. You know the ones with a picture of the family next to Santa. These are the cards where no time or creativity went into the making of the card. Just a generic card that people barely look at and will likely throw away ten seconds after opening it. So why would we send out a card that is no better than the type of cards that our family makes fun of when you guys send them to us? Well, I could say that we are making a social comment on the commercialization of Christmas. We could also say that there’s a hidden clue in the photograph revealing the location of a sterling silver rabbit statue valued at over $100,000 which is buried in a park in Chicago. But no, I think we’ll just tell you the truth. We were just too darn busy this year to think up anything creative! Hey we got three kids and a new baby! We are running from 6 in the morning until past midnight every day of the year. We don’t have time to be creative! We just ran out of ideas! There! You happy? We said it! We ran out of ideas! Even we can fail. 

Hey wait. I sort of like that one about the silver rabbit statue. OK, let me take back what I said above. If you study this photo, you will see a hidden clue as to where Kathryn and I buried a statue of a sterling silver rabbit! Unlock the clue and you will find untold wealth! Just stare at the photo for hours and you will see the clue! When you do, don’t tell anybody! Let them solve the puzzle for themselves!

Now it’s time for the write up of the family! Here goes!

 

DON aka DADDY (age 44)

This has been an interesting year for Don. After 7 years, he finally finished up a Master’s Degree in Data Mining from Central Connecticut State University. The fun part was when the whole family piled into the car and drove to Connecticut to see him graduate. A very happy time because most people don’t get to graduate with their wife and kids there cheering for them! When not being the eternal student, Don still plays Tennis every chance he can and loves his job at SAS. His other hobby is to convince his kids that he is actually a secret agent. Shhhhhhhhh, it’s a secret! He was able to convince them of this by emphatically denying it. But don’t worry about this, the kids have promised that they won’t tell anybody. On an unrelated note, Donald told his third grade teacher and Emily told all the kids in kindergarten that their daddy was a secret agent. But that’s OK, because both my kids have sworn all their friends to secrecy. Good thing. Don also spent Halloween having the kids watch reruns of the Kolchak The Night Stalker comedy/horror television show from the 70’s. The kids loved them, but are now all terrified to go to sleep at night (more on that later). None of monsters from the show scared Don too much, but he is scared of a very scary monster not featured in the show: Liberal Democrats.

 

KATHRYN aka MOM (age ??? … heck, I can’t even remember her birthday!)

Kathryn also had a wonderful year. She is doing an amazing job keeping everybody fed and cared for. She even had time to have another baby and still lost enough weight so that she weighs less than in high school! For fun, Kathryn is decorating the house and turning it into a happy home. Her favorite past time is blaming Don for everything that goes wrong. The usual scenario involves Kathryn saying something like, “Did you forget to put the milk in the refrigerator?” Don replies with the standard husband denial: “I don’t think it was me” And then Kathryn counters with her standard “I’m going to blame you anyways, so you may as well fess up”. Lynch mob justice at its finest. Kathryn’s other hobby is that she volunteered to be a Daisy Scout Leader for Emily’s Daisy Scout troop. Why? Well, I think it appeals to Kathryn’s need to be a control freak. While most Daisy troops make crafts and sing songs, Kathryn has her troop wearing military uniforms and marching. Just watch The Sound of Music and observe the Von Trapp Children and that will give you an idea of what I’m talking about. Kathryn is also developing an interest in cooking and drinking wine. She even hosted a wine tasting party at our house earlier this year which was a lot of fun. On a lighter note, Kathryn was again in Don’s fantasy football league. Her team, The Stepford Wives finished first in the Altruistic division. She is now playing for the championship. Not bad considering that she barely even logs in to the league. Don’t ask how Don did. Kathryn doesn’t watch the Night Stalker with the family because she thinks they are lame. However, she says the thing that scares her most is being forced to watch bad 1970’s television shows.

 

DONALD KEITH (age 9)

Donald has had an amazing year. He is doing great in school, he sings in the school choir, takes piano, and after 4 years in Karate he has finally earned his Blue Belt (just three more belts and a few more years to go to be a Black Belt). Donald’s has three favorite hobbies. He loves Lego’s and builds with them for hours upon hours. He also enjoys reading and got through all of the Harry Potter books in only a few months. Donald’s other passion is to sneak downstairs at night and secretly watch Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilley, and Sean Hannity on the Fox News Channel.  He’s turned into an absolute right wing political junkie at the tender age of 9. He hates taxes and government regulations. How did this happen? Well, Kathryn and I were concerned that his teachers might be indoctrinating him into their left wing agenda. And since we don’t like our kids indoctrinated, we simply had him watch Fox News. Now he completely agrees with us on everything. Indoctrination problem solved!

After watching the Night Stalker this Halloween, Donald has developed a fear of an obscure monster that he saw on the television show: Rakshanas. Those are monsters from India that take the form of the person you trust the most. When you get close enough to them, they turn back into a Rakshana and eat you. In their natural state, they sort of look like Gorillas with fangs and claws. So now whenever anybody goes into Donald’s room at night, he boldly announces … “I don’t trust you”. I assume that if you are a Rakshana trying to trick Donald, your plan will be foiled. So if you are a Rakshana and you try to eat Donald, he’s outsmarted you so you’d better forget it. You’re screwed.

 

 

EMILY MICHELLE (age 6)

In the past, we used to describe Emily as a cross between Shirley Temple and Linda Blair (that little girl from the Excorcist). Her hobby was throwing temper tantrums on a daily basis. Thankfully, this year Emily has turned into the sweetest little girl you will ever find. She is bright, happy, imaginative, and has a wonderful sense of fun and adventure.  This year, she ventured into the Hudson Haunted House on Halloween for the first time. She had a great time and insisted on going back in a second time. She is doing great in school, is taking swimming lessons, and loves being in Daisy Scouts. She has almost earned all of her Daisy petals. Emily’s biggest adventure this year was when she got to go Horse Back riding this summer. While we were in the stable, Emily made the mistake of listening to her Daddy and she tried to pet a horse named “Bucket” on the nose. The horse turned around and bit her on the arm so hard that it left a huge welt. She cried a LOT (and blamed Daddy for her misfortune, of course). Now here is the strange thing. And I am NOT making this up. Right after Bucket bit Emily, he started doing anything she wanted (but he wouldn’t do it for anybody else). Emily was able to do things like make Bucket walk on some stairs that he had never walked on before because he was too afraid. Emily even claimed she could hear Bucket think. We went back to the stable a few weeks later, and Emily was still able to control Bucket with her mind. It was really interesting. We’ll go back in a few weeks and we will report back to everybody whether or not Emily still has Svengali mind powers over “Bucket”. However, don’t hold your breath. As Han Solo would say: “I’ve flown across the galaxy and seen a lot of strange things … ”.

Emily’s scariest monster from the Night Stalker television series is just a mundane vampire. Emily is pretty scared of a vampire biting her on the neck. Her solution? She relies on the tried and true method of wrapping her blanket around her neck while she sleeps. I guess vampires aren’t smart enough to move the blanket.

 

KATELYN CHRISTINE (age 4)

Remember how the demons possessing Emily are gone and she’s really sweet now? Well, wanna know where they went? Look no further than Katelyn Christine Wedding. Although she can be sweet as pie when she wants to, her true love is throwing tantrums and growling at people when she is angry. She also likes to fight with Emily. These altercations are absolute screaming matches (although pinching each other is not out of the question). What makes matters worse is that it turns out that little girls have shrill little voices that can shatter glass and make nerves bleed. Terrific.  How do we cope? Refer to Kathryn’s new hobby of drinking wine. Lots and lots of wine. Katelyn started pre-school this year at St. Mary’s. She just starred in her first theatrical production: The Nativity. Katelyn played an angel. Wow! Talk about miscasting. But then again, what other options did the teacher have? As far as I know, Lizzie Borden wasn’t in Bethlehem when the Baby Jesus was born. On a lighter note, Katelyn loves to draw pictures. Her favorite muse is horses, unicorns, and peguses. She’s also been known to draw an occasional zebra. When she isn’t drawing and Emily is at school, Katelyn sneaks into my office and cooks for me on her pretend stove while I’m working. Also, she brings out her tea set, fills the tea pot with water, and she has a tea party with me and her mom. Katelyn also helps Kathryn cook in the kitchen and is actually quite a good little chef. 

 

As for monsters, Katelyn is not afraid of Vampires. Why? She has devised what I believe is the most ingenious defense against a vampire. As vampires are afraid of crosses, she said that if a vampire tries to “get her” then she will stand completely straight with her legs together and her arms extended straight out to her sides. Her body now forms a “cross” shape (thus repelling Dracula). Wish I had thought of that when I was four.  Katelyn is, however, afraid of Zombies. She was so afraid, that she wouldn’t go to sleep. I told her that zombies only come out in the day time, but she insists that “Zombies are nocturnal”. Fortunately, we know how to kill zombies from watching Kolchak the Night Stalker. You pour salt in their mouths (did you know that? I didn’t!). Anyways, whenever Katelyn is afraid of Zombies, I just put the salt shaker next to her bed for her to throw at the zombie. Problem solved. 

 

DAVID MICHAEL (age 10 months)

Well the newest addition to the family is little David Michael who was born in February of this year. Much to the relief of Mom and Dad, David takes after his brother by being a happy and quiet baby. So far, no temper tantrums! He has already started walking, but is only limited to a couple of steps. Otherwise he crawls all over the kitchen and the family room. His favorite toy is the dishwasher. David’s favorite hobby is to crawl through the kitchen, open the cabinets, pull everything out, and then chew on it. The favorite hobby of mom and dad is to follow David around, pick stuff up off the floor, dry off the baby spit, and then put it back into the cabinets. Oh wait. I meant FIRST WE WASH IT … and *THEN* we put it back into the cabinets.  If you are planning on having dinner at our house any time soon, please disregard the previous comment.

 

 

CONCLUSION:

In all seriousness, our family has been truly blessed. We are thankful for all the happiness in our family.

We wish everyone a Merry Christmas and we pray that God will bless you and your family in the upcoming year!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!