2016

DON:

There isn’t much to say about Don this year, except that he changed jobs ... SURPRISE !!! So anybody who had 2016 in the betting pool should be certain to collect their winnings. Yes, Don left SAS after nearly a decade of telling the same bad jokes over and over to a different set of customers every week. Now Don flies into Kansas every other week and works as the Director of Data Science for Sprint Corporation. Sure it’s a fun job and a challenge. But the downside is that it’s the same people every week. Don has discovered that telling the same joke over and over to the same people can annoy everybody (except Don of course!). Other than that, everything is pretty much the same. Don still teaches part time in the evening and watches Netflix with Kathryn. His big adventure was his genocidal war against a swarm of gnats that infested the house. And by “swarm”, it really means “5 or 6” … but it’s still was irritating enough to Don to cause him to obsess over them. Even though Kathryn said to ignore them, Don just couldn’t let it go. So he started going off the deep end. It’s an interesting story and we shall call this tale:

The Great Beatle Battle:

Most of Don’s spare time this year was spent fighting a holy war against an invading army of gnats that mysteriously infested his bedroom. On a side note, the gnat swarm started the very same day that Kathryn introduced a bunch of exotic plants into the bedroom for aesthetic reasons. Spoiler Alert! The bugs came from Kathryn’s plants. Who saw that coming? Don’t pretend you figured it out because I know that I didn’t!

Now, back to me. So we have this swarm of bugs in our bedroom and bathroom and I can’t figure out where they are coming from. So I resort to the most accurate research tool that I know: GOOGLE. As far as I could tell, our bugs were a rare species of tropical gnats that sometimes live in people’s drains in homes near the equator. Sure, Cleveland isn’t that close to the equator, but what other explanation was there? Some people might be tempted to say: “the bugs were living on the damn plants you idiot”. But if you said that, you would sound like you were playing “Captain Hindsight”. Also, you would sound a lot like my wife after I accidentally pounded a hole through the bathroom wall. But I’m getting ahead of myself. OK, so to kill the equatorial drosophila (fruit flies), I found a company that sold some deadly poisonous chemical to pour down my sink and bath tub drains. So I alternated between dumping boiling water and then toxic waste into our plumbing (and ultimately the city’s water supply). Meanwhile, my wife was frantically spraying white vinegar all over the plants for some reason. Another Spoiler Alert: Kathryn had figured out where the bugs came from and wanted to kill them before I figured it out. She was worried that I would over react and make her get rid of her exotic plants.

Back to me. So I fought my crusade against the bugs for six months with no results. I employed enough chemical weapons against these gnats that I’m sure Saddam Hussein would have been impressed. Yet, the chemicals had no effect. Partially because the gnats had probably developed a natural immunity to the poison. And partially it had something to do with the fact that the bugs weren’t actually living in the drains. Thus, pouring chemicals into the sink was, in retrospect, an exercise in futility. So I needed to up my game. I did some more research and found that these tropical gnats could also infest rotting wood inside the walls of buildings. I was surprised that this was even a possibility because Cleveland isn’t exactly a tropical climate and our seven year old house is not exactly filled with rotting wood. But there was no other explanation. So I bought a “bug bomb”, a stud finder, and a power drill. (Note: A lot of you who know me probably figure that any story with the term “power drill” in it won’t end well … especially when it also includes the words “bug bomb” and “stud finder”). Anyways, I won’t go into details, but the end result was a fist size hole through the dry wall separating our bedroom and our bathroom. When Kathryn saw me staring at her though a big hole in our bathroom wall, her facial expression was similar to that of Shelley Duvalle’s when she saw Jack Nicholson’s face through the door in the famous “Here’s Johnny” scene of The Shining. Google it. At that point, she decided to save the rest of the house from a similar fate and she confessed that her plants were the cause of the bugs. Spoiler Alert: I over reacted and made Kathryn take her plants out of the bedroom.

Don’s Quotes:

Writing the Christmas Card is similar to carving an elephant out of marble. I start with a solid black piece of paper. Then I erase anything that doesn’t look like a Christmas card.

KATHRYN:

Kathryn still loves plants and loves her garden. And yes, she is still force feeding tomatoes on the rest of the neighborhood. However, her biggest joy is being a teacher. For those who don’t know, we decided to “Home School” Katelyn this year. Kathryn is doing a great job, and she and Katelyn are having a wonderful time. If you ever get a chance to home school for a year, then do it. It’s a once in a lifetime experience. But even though home schooling is fun, it drives Kathryn nuts when she tells people that Katelyn is being home schooled, and the person responds with a look of disapproval and a question about Katelyn not learning to interact with other children. What do these people think? That Kathryn is locking Katelyn in a box in some sort B.F. Skinner like experiment? FYI: Katelyn is happily socializing with others and is doing great. Kathryn even took Katelyn on a field trip to Colorado. I think that’s a heck of a field trip because the best field trip I ever had was going to the Toledo Zoo in third grade. Anyways, Kathryn and Katelyn took a several day trip to Denver so that Kathryn could meet up with one of her dearest friends from high school, Jen Slane. (Hey Jen, you made the Christmas Card!) They had a great time, except that they didn’t realize Kathryn’s life-long dream: Kathryn wants to see a moose. Even though the experience was great for Kathryn and Katelyn, there was a downside of Kathryn being away for a long weekend. When she left, she had the house running like a well-oiled machine. It looked like our home fell out of a Norman Rockwell painting. But when she left, Don was left in charge. So for four days, the other three kids ate fast food, skipped school, and wore the same underpants. We went from Norman Rockwell to “Lord of the Flies”. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate Labor Day. Well, that’s enough about Kathryn for now. Now I’ll get to everybody’s favorite part of the Christmas Card:

Kathryn’s Quotes:

Emily, you are the worst dressed person in this room. And that’s saying a lot because your Dad is standing next to you!

Don: Give me a big hug and show me you love me!

Kathryn: Hey, I just lied on the couch for 2 hours and let you rub my feet! If that’s not showing you that I love you then what is???

Kathryn: Oops. I over-cooked your bacon.

Don: That’s OK. Love is never having to say “I’m Sorry”.

Kathryn: Really? In that case … I’M SORRY … I over-cooked your bacon.

Whenever I stalk my old boyfriends on Google, it makes me more confident that I married the right guy.

My Husband gender identifies as a girl any time I ask him to do physical labor.

My husband and kids are so disorganized. I hope nobody ever asks us to hide a Jewish Family in our attic from the Nazi’s. It wouldn’t end well.

Kathryn: If you salted your food before eating it, then Norman Rockwell would fire you.

Don: You mean J.D. Rockafeller? Rockwell was a painter and Rockafeller was a billionaire.

Kathryn: Oh. I thought they were the same person.

I’m not in love with money. My feelings are strictly plutonic.

Kathryn: I sometimes wonder if I am starting to irritate and disappoint you.

Don: That’s not true! I love you with my whole heart!!! Why do you think that?

Kathryn: I’m not sure. Maybe I’m projecting.

NOTE: We got a chance to meet one of Don’s Online Students in person:

Don’s Online Student: I’ve only seen Prof. Wedding on a web cam so I only know what he looks like from the neck up. It’s disturbing to see his whole body.

Kathryn: I know. That’s what I said on our honeymoon.

Don: “Shoeless” Joe Jackson was a famous baseball player from the 1919 Chicago White Sox. Do you know what he was famous for?

Kathryn: Running around barefoot?

Kathryn: You obviously just took a shower … there’s water all over the bathroom floor.

Don: Why do you always think it was me who splashed the water on the floor?

Kathryn: It’s sort of like your version of the BAT SIGNAL

Kathryn: I’m going to throw your dirty underwear into the clothes hamper where it belongs … instead of leaving it on top of my camera where it does NOT belong.

Don: Sorry I forgot to get groceries. Do you forgive me?

Kathryn: The Bible says I’m supposed to forgive you “Four Score and Seven Times” (sic) … but unfortunately you reached your limit a decade ago.

Unconditional Love has limits

DONALD (Age 16)

Donald has started his Junior year in high school and has started to look for colleges. He’s thinking of going into Engineering like his Dad which makes me happy. But whenever he wants to mess with my brain and annoy me, he’ll tell me that he is thinking of majoring in “Gender Studies”. I know he is joking, but it still irritates me. Why would somebody keep telling the same joke over and over when other people find it irritating? On another note, Donald continues to play in the Marching Band for fun and he is also in the Robotics club. He is learning a lot of hands on skills involving electronics and power tools. His first project in the Robotics Club was to tear a wall out of a room to make the robot lab (Really!). Donald is understandably proud of this accomplishment and was bragging that he knew how to tear a wall out of a room and Dad did not. His mother corrected him and reminded him that his father was quite adept at tearing walls out of rooms (reference back to the “Beatle Battle” story). Donald was even going to install a voice activated lock for the robotics lab. He asked me to guess what the pass code would be. I sort of shrugged and said “Tardis”? “Beam me up Scotty?” or “These aren’t the Droids You Are Looking For”. All of which are funny nerd references. Donald just looked at me with disappointment and told me that it was going to be “Hal, Open the Pod Bay Door”. Argh! Of course! Why hadn’t I thought of that? So now my son is passing me up technically (which I can handle) and he is also OUT-GEEKING me (which I can NOT handle). I’m not feeling old. This is worse. I’m feeling NOT COOL! In spite of Donald’s mechanical and electrical skills, he still has yet to master one form of technology: The Telephone. Like all the Millenial Generation, Donald doesn’t know what a telephone is used for. His cell phone is only used for TEXTING and watching YOUTUBE. If you call him on his phone, he just stares and it and wonders what to do (that’s if the phone is turned on … which it won’t be). It’s frustrating beyond belief. If you call our house phone, Donald will just stare at the phone and watch it ring like those little Martian Muppets on Sesamee Street in the 1970’s. He’ll just assume the phone is an earthling and he’ll try to communicate with it by shouting “BRRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGGG !!!” at the phone whenever somebody calls. He’s 16 and I believe that he has never once answered the house phone in his life!

Donald’s Quotes:

Donald: Hey Emily, why are you wearing “fishnet stockings”

Emily: It’s part of my ROLLER DERBY costume.

Donald: Oh. Did you borrow them from Dad?

Mom: Donald! I thought I told you to unload the dishwasher!

Donald: Mom! That’s a “micro-aggression”. I think I need to go to my “safe space”

DONALD GOT HIS DRIVER’S LICENSE. HERE ARE THE FIVE STAGES OF DONALD DRIVING DAD’S CAR:

Dad, may I borrow YOUR car?
Dad, may I borrow THE car?
Dad, I’m TAKING the car.
Dad, if you are going to take the car would you please ask me first?
Dad. You know how I drive the car more than you do? Well here’s what I was thinking ….

EMILY (Age 13)

Emily has started her first year at Walsh Jesuit High School. Because Donald is the one who drives to school every day, Emily is pretty much resigned to being in the same activities as Donald. So she plays flute in the marching band and is in the robotics club. She is also on the chess team. Heck, if we give Emily a pair of horn rimmed glasses, a pocket protector, and tell her to stop bathing regularly then she would be a full-fledged nerd. What more could any parent want for their daughter? Aside from her “in school” hobbies, Emily also enjoys letting her homework go to the last minute. First, she sits around on her IPAD and texts her friends all day. Her Mom and I tell her to stop goofing off and start doing her homework. But she just gives us this blank stare that only a 13 year old girl can give her parents. You know the one I’m talking about … the one where it looks like she thinks we’re speaking Martian to her. Then when 11 PM rolls around and she figures she should get started on 3 hour’s worth of homework. She’s tired and frustrated and she starts to cry about how hard school is. That’s when Kathryn draws upon 16+ years of maternal instinct and tells Emily in her most loving voice … “I told you so”. Emily doesn’t usually take this comment in the spirit in which it’s intended. First Emily denies goofing off for the previous 6 hours. Then she denies having ever heard us tell her to stop goofing off. Then she gets sarcastic and nasty. Thirteen year olds are good at that. Ever notice that lots of couples say … “we want a baby”, but nobody ever says “we want a teenager”. But in Emily’s defense, I think she probably didn’t hear Kathryn say, “Start your homework”. The reason is that Emily has a genetic marker that prevents her from hearing her parents when they give good advice. It’s the same genetic marker that prevents her from hearing a telephone ring. Yes, Emily can sit two inches away from a ringing telephone and watch it ring for hours. When we ask her why she didn’t answer the phone, she just gives us a blank stare and says “I didn’t hear it”. At first Kathryn and I were thinking we should get her hearing checked. But then we realized that Emily’s selective hearing loss is actually very useful in dealing with telemarketers. Speaking of Emily acting like a teenager, Kathryn took Emily to see a “Dan and Phil” concert. Who are “Dan and Phil” you might ask? Exactly my point. I don’t know either. And I couldn’t care less. But all the 13 year old girls know them. So how did Emily react seeing them in concert? Well, have you ever seen old film clips of teenage girls seeing Elvis Presley or the Beatles? Well, it’s the same thing here. Think of an entire stadium filled with teenie-boppers screaming at the top of their lungs and crying while these one hit wonders cash in on their 15 minutes of fame. There were news reports suggesting that the little girls’ shrieking caused windows to shatter in a six mile radius. In a million years I would have never suspected that Emily would be susceptible to this type of teenage star struck hysteria. Note: Emily just alerted me that this is called “FANGIRLING”.

For fun, Emily has started competing in Roller Derby. (Really!) Emily is really good at roller skating so we assumed she would be good at this sport. But there in another component to being good at roller derby: you need to know the rules. Unfortunately, Emily doesn’t know the rules. To be fair, nobody does. It sort of involves a bunch of girls roller skating in a circle and ramming into each other. Then points just start accumulating on a board. But how the points get up there is one of those strange mysteries like using an Oscilloscope or getting toothpaste into a tube. Who knows? I think that Emily’s coach has tried to teach the rules to Emily, but Emily’s ability to listen is tied to that same genetic marker that prevents her from hearing the telephone or her mom say to do her homework. So while the other girls are going around in a circle at breakneck speed and slaughtering each other, Emily is taking a leisurely stroll around the ring. It’s reminiscent of Olivia Newton John from the movie “Xanadu” roller skating through the opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan”. Emily’s Roller Derby name is “Etcetera Etcetera Etcetera”, but it would be more appropriate for it to be “Quey Sera Sera” … Google it, it’s funny.

Emily Quotes:

I can be anything I want when I grow up. I decided that I want to be a Sociopath

I KNOW I’m sarcastic, but I only use it for good

KATELYN (Age 11)

Katelyn is spending this year being home schooled. Basically, we didn’t think she was being challenged in her grade school and she is too young to put her into Cuyahoga Valley Christian Academy (CVCA) Junior High. So we figured we’d try home schooling. It’s been a great bonding experience for Kathryn and Katelyn. And Katelyn has been thriving in this environment. It has also given her a chance to really allow her sweet gentle nature to blossom. Katelyn loves to cook and help clean up the house. She helps Kathryn decorate for the holidays. And she loves to draw horses in her spare time. She is so sweet and adorable. Unfortunately, the other three kids are jealous that she doesn’t have to go to school. And who can blame them? I mean, after all, “IT’S NOT FAIR!” Right? They are also jealous of all the praise that she gets for helping Kathryn around the house. The general consensus of her siblings is that Katelyn is just a little “brown-noser” and her kind heart is just an act to kinder favor with Mom and Dad. We say to help with dinner and Katelyn helps with dinner. We say to clean your room and Katelyn cleans her room. We say to be nice to your siblings and Katelyn is nice to her siblings. So that’s why her brothers and sister hate her: Katelyn is a non-conformist. Her greatest area of personal growth from home schooling involves using the telephone. In the past, Katelyn has been terrified of the phone. Whenever it would ring, it would trigger a panic attack and she would hide in the cabinets under the kitchen sink trembling in fear. We would then need to heavily medicate her and send her for counseling. The good news is that after spending a few weeks with Kathryn, Katelyn has begun to conquer her fears and she will now answer the telephone (with adult supervision). She will tentatively say “hello” and then throw the phone towards an adult. Only then will she run and hide under the sink. Progress is a series of “Baby Steps”.

For fun, Katelyn continues to play soccer. She seems to enjoy it and is actually getting pretty good at it! Kathryn and I no longer feel shame when we go to her games. In fact, we have stopped wearing sacks over our faces when Katelyn steps on the field. I know it sounds like we are just bragging and inflating her talent, but this is the truth: Katelyn is actually a mediocre player. Seriously! She’s actually considering going out for soccer when she goes to CVCA next year. I know it sounds like I’m being overly critical of Katelyn’s athletic prowess. But hey, I’m her Dad. She has half of my DNA in her (or at least that’s Kathryn’s story). So you can’t expect her to be Pele’. (Author’s Note: While proofing this, Donald asked who was “PELE”. Kathryn said she thought was a volcano god and natives would toss young girls in as human sacrifices. For the record, he was some guy who was famous for playing soccer. I assumed that the context would be enough for that reference.) But here is the part you won’t believe. Katelyn is also involved in Roller Derby with her sister Emily. Katelyn’s Roller Derby name is “Starry Starry Fight”. And she lives up to that name. When she competes in a match, she transforms from a sweet and loving little girl in a remorseless killing machine. I think the gladiators in the Roman Coliseum could learn a few things from watching her. It’s horrifying to watch her, but yet you cannot avert your gaze. Sort of like watching a car wreck on the side of the road. Oh ya, one final thing. Katelyn got a pair of “Chipmunk” jammies. They are really cute and she looks adorable running around the house looking like a giant Chipmunk. When she first put them on, she said “I am COSPLAYING as one of God’s creations. Everybody in the family laughed out loud except me. I think that’s because I don’t know what Cosplaying is, so I didn’t get the joke. They told me to Google it. But I told them that if you need to google a joke to “get it”, then the joke probably isn’t funny. Also, I’m kind of lazy and didn’t feel like googling it. Anyways, the whole family insisted that it was funny and it should go into the Christmas card. So it’s going in … under protest!

Katelyn’s Quotes:

Donald: “Pandora” was a character in Greek mythology

Katelyn: Oh, I thought it was the hat that Indiana Jones used to wear.

Dad: Don’t say you hate this food until you try it.

Katelyn: OK, I tried it and I hate it !!!

Dad: You didn’t even give it a fair chance!

Katelyn: Yes I did !!!

Dad: You made your “bad food face” before you even ate it!

Katelyn: I was just getting ready … just in CASE I hated it.

Katelyn: Is “Weird Al Yankovich” the artist formerly known as PRINCE ?

DAVID (Age 7)

David is finishing up the second grade at Seton Catholic School. It’s hard to believe. At one point in time, we had three children at Seton (Donald, Emily, and Katelyn). Now we are down to just one. Where does the time go? David is doing great and is a happy and energetic little guy. He’s also totally fearless and a real go getter. To illustrate his approach to life we need look no further than the telephone. While his siblings stare at the phone in wonder like the monkeys staring at the monolith from 2001, David dives right in and answers the phone. Yes, he really does! Now that would be great if that were as far as it would go. However, it doesn’t stop there. David will answer the phone and start talking with whomever is calling regardless of whether it’s an Aunt, Uncle, Neighbor, Telemarketer, Burglar casing the house, or a Nairobi Prince who wants our credit card numbers so he can wire $25 Million into our bank accounts. They’re all the same to David. He’ll just open up Dad’s wallet and read a credit card number over the phone to a total stranger. That’s why Katelyn will be taking trumpet lessons for the next year. So I guess this is the classic case of “Be Careful of What You Wish For”.

On the home front, David spends his time as a scientific mystery. As far as we can tell, he ingests no food because he hates everything. So Kathryn and I have taken to simply dumping his dinner directly into the garbage, thus eliminating the “middle man”. David’s main accomplishment this year is that he can solve a Rubik’s cube. Really! Yes, his brother Donald taught him how to do it (Hey, let me brag about this one. Donald can also solve a 4x4 Rubik’s cube and a 5x5 Rubik’s cube). So David can solve a cube in like 2 or 3 minutes. For the record, I can also. But my approach involves pulling the Rubik’s cube apart and then putting it back together in the correct order. But David can do it for real. David’s other milestone is that he is learning to write in cursive. His first order of business was to write a letter to his Grandpa (who the kids call “Grumpy”). David figured that he would write in his best hand writing and ask “Grumpy” for money. Grumpy sent David a two dollar bill and said “Here is a $2 Bill. It has a picture of Thomas Jefferson on it”. David wrote back and thanked Grumpy and told him that his favorite president was Ben Franklin. I think David has a bright future ahead of him.

David Quotes:

What is the opposite of ‘scissors’?
Mom, your hands are cold … let’s hold hands on the inside

David: You are so lucky, Emily. You have so many skills. You are great at piano. You are great at math. You are great at art.

Emily: Thank you David. That is so sweet.

David: And your best skill is that you make the best pancakes. Oh ya. That reminds me, I haven’t had breakfast yet.

DONALD WEDDING III Contribution to the Christmas Card:

My oldest son, Donald wanted to add a story to the Christmas card this year. His story involves an incident that happened in Toledo, Ohio at my favorite restaurant: TONY PACKOS. Please let us know if you like the story. It’s pretty good except that there are a few problems with it:

Donald said he would change the names to “protect the innocent”. Yet he changed everybody’s name in the story except mine. It must have been an oversight on his part. Rookie mistake.

Although Tony Packos is the obvious villain of the story, Donald’s literary tone accidentally made Tony Packos appear to be a sympathetic character while his Dad is portrayed as an irritating jerk lacking any semblance of “self-awareness” Again, another “rookie mistake”.

But all in all, this is a good “first effort”. Please send your comments and criticisms our way. I’m sure Donald can take it. Also, the next time you go to Tony Packos, you might want to mention that the portion sizes have gotten smaller.

TONY PACKO’S RESTAURANT MASSACRE:

The story you are about to read is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Toledo, Ohio. September 2016.

We had been visiting our family in Toledo that week. It was meant to be just a simple get together. If only we had known.

Dad (aka Don Wedding) wanted to go to Tony Paco’s. Personally, I would have rather gone to anywhere else-and I was not alone in this want, as you will later see- but, as you the reader and anyone who comes into contact with my Dad well knows, there is no arguing…there is only Tony Paco’s.

Our family sat in the car, preparing mentally for the events to come. We had all heard it before. Then we walked in. I am going to assume that the waitress who had sat us that day was new, because even as we walked in you could see the life still in her eyes as a faithful employee of Tony Paco’s. She happily sat us and gave us our menus and happily said that she would be back when we were ready for our drinks. She turned and left as Dad readied it.

The waitress returned with her notepad, ready to take down our drinks, and quickly went around the table. John Doe #2 (aka “David”) ordered chocolate milk. Jane Doe #3 (aka “Katelyn”) ordered a water to look more adult. Jane Doe #2 (aka “Emily”) and I ordered Mountain Dew. Jane Doe #1 (aka “Mom”) ordered water. Then Dad ordered his coffee.

“Now when you get the coffee, make sure you fill the cup until they ALMOST fire you. Then pour a little back into the coffee pot so that they DON’T fire you.” My Dad loves that joke. He must. He uses it all the time.

The waitress happily wrote down the request word for word, unaware of the warning she was receiving- mostly from us, who were using anything we could to tell her to run while she could.

The waitress left and returned with our drinks and then made the mistake of asking what we wanted to order. Dad pounced.

“I would like chili… but here’s the thing…The portion sizes here have been getting smaller over the years. They used to be huge! But now, there is barely any chili at all. I used to be able to fit my whole fist in the bowl! “

Dad then started his slide show up, pointing at charts and graphs. He showed her 8 by 10 covered glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what it was about. The waitress slowly realized who this was. I can only assume that Tony Paco’s does its best to ready their employees for this but I doubt that anyone could truly be prepared for Dad.

Dad sat down and Jane Doe #1 (aka “Mom”) finally got to order. She, as a common courtesy, gave the waitress a few good minutes to get over the shock. The family ordered soon after. The waitress turned to leave when Dad told her to remember to get him as much chili as possible.

The waitress nodded shakily.

The food comes and Dad looks at the bowl, glaring at it.

“This is so much smaller than it used to be!”

The waitress started backing away.

“The portion sizes here have been getting smaller over the years. They used to be huge! But now, there is barely any chili at all. I used to be able to fit my whole fist in the bowl! “

Dad then started his slide show up again, pointing at charts and graphs. He showed her 8 by 10 covered glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what it was about. By the time he was done, the waitress had fled, but Dad didn’t notice.

Soon, the manager walked over- possibly to calm Dad down, possibly to take some of the heat off the poor waitress.

Dad jumped at his chance.

“The portion sizes here have been getting smaller over the years. They used to be huge! But now, there is barely any chili at all. I used to be able to fit my whole fist in the bowl! “

Dad then started his slide show up, pointing at charts and graphs. He showed him 8 by 10 covered glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what it was about.

Usually when it happens, you can watch as the light slowly fades from the eyes of the waitress or as their faith in humanity is obliterated. The manager, on the other hand, was prepared.

“You aren’t the first to complain about the portion sizes. But I would like you to know that we at Tony Packo’s have always served the same amount of chili. We used to have far larger bowls- one of which I keep in my office just to show you how it is the same amount. Would you like me to show you?”

Dad shook his head.

“You don’t get it-The portion sizes here have been getting smaller over the years. They used to be huge! But now, there is barely any chili at all. I used to be able to fit my whole fist in the bowl! “

“Well you see, sir, when people are younger, their fists are smaller, but when you grow, your fist does too, making it seem like the bowl is shrinking while you are, in fact, growing.”

The family looked away in shame. I will spare you the details of the discussion between the manager and a brick wall, as you almost certainly know how it goes. The manager and Dad finally finished, with the manager’s life shattered , Dad’s ego inflated- I previously hadn’t thought it could grow bigger- and the food at the table. The waitress had slipped in during the discussion and given us our food. We had ignored most of the discussion- we had all heard it before three or four times this year already. We finished our food as Dad showed us his slide shows and the 8 by 10 covered glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what it was about, but we mostly ignored it. Soon, a bill appeared on our table. How the waitress did this without being seen is still unknown. Soon the bill was paid and we were full. My Mom felt so bad she left a 50% tip for the poor waitress. But my Mom didn’t refer to it as a tip. She called it “Combat Pay”. While the bill was being paid, I rushed to the car and quickly let in my disgraced siblings. Then my Mom and Dad got into the car and started driving. Then Dad turned around.

“Did you guys know that the portion sizes been getting smaller over the years?”