DON aka “DAD”

 

Not much has changed with Don over the past year. He still telecommutes into Sprint in Kansas City and telecommutes into Northwestern University where he teaches statistics part time. Working alone from the basement is the perfect job for Don because it makes use of his two strengths: Statistics and Not Playing Well with Others. When Don isn’t in the office, he can’t piss people off. So everybody wins when he works remote. Well, almost everyone.  Don is driving his poor wife nuts. All she keeps saying is: “I can’t miss you until you go away! When are you travelling to Kansas again????” Of course, Don knows she’s just kidding around and doesn’t really mean it! Oh ya, Don is going to use this forum to give a quick shout out … to DON! Remember how everybody always says that when Don wears “socks and sandals” that he looks like a real nimrod? Well guess what the latest fashion trend is. It was reported on Drudge Report that the latest fashion trend in Paris is for men to wear socks and sandals (Google It! I’m not joking!). You’re welcome everybody!!! Now if only I can get people to start tucking their shirts into their sweat pants.

 

The most interesting story of the year for Don involved taking the family to Louisville, Kentucky. His oldest son, Donald, wanted to look at the University of Louisville (where Don’s father/children’s grandfather) went to school. So while they were in Louisville, Don decided to force feed a massive dose of “Family Heritage” to the kids. Now before we go into the story of the Louisville Heritage Fiasco, we need to preface the tale with a reminder that Don hadn’t been in Louisville for 40+ years so none of this is really his fault. First, they tried to locate where Don’s father grew up. Don couldn’t remember the exact location, but had a vague memory of the address and a memory that the house was next to a church. So they punched house numbers into google maps until they found an address. They drove to the spot and the house was next to a church. They knocked on the door and an old lady named Mrs. Fitz answered. Don explained to her that this was the boyhood home of the children’s grandfather. The lady invited us in for a quick tour. Don told everybody lots of interesting stories about the house and the family. Don even pointed out where some thugs from the local Labor Union had set fire to Joe Wedding’s car (children’s great grandfather) while it sat in the driveway (long story!). So everybody loved learning about the family history. Even Mrs. Fitz had fun! We snapped some photos of the house and selfies with Mrs. Fitz. Then the family walked into the church next door where Don’s dad sang in the choir. Kathryn was a bit confused because this was a Methodist church and Don’s dad was Episcopalian. Don then gave a long and dry lecture about how it was common for Protestants to attend each other’s churches since they are all basically the same anyways. Nobody really cared (or listened). But Kathryn was still confused. It didn’t make sense to her. Then Don struck up a conversation with the pastor of the church and many the church members. They talked for 45 minutes as Don gave a long lecture about how the choir used to perform at Louisville City Hall. Also Don lectured about that the church had a local basketball team called the “Oddballs” that had won city championships. Don went on and on as only he can. The pastor and the church members loved the tales. They were proud of their choir and their basketball team that they never knew existed! As they should be! Without Don, these stories would be lost to time. You’re welcome, History! There were a few older members of the church community who were absolutely certain that the church never had a choir … or a basketball team for that matter. And they also had no memory of a Wedding family ever attending this church. There will always be curmudgeons. But these they could be forgiven for forgetting the past. It was so long ago. The pastor invited our family to stay for Palm Sunday Services, but Don declined. Don politely explained that our family is Catholic so we didn’t want to risk going to hell by hanging around in a Protestant church. So the family snapped some selfies and pictures of the church and left. When we got back to the car, we sent the pictures to Don’s dad via cell phone. Don’s dad texted back that he had never seen either that house nor that church in his life. Turns out my Dad lived at street number 2505 and not 2909. Also, we had the street name totally wrong. I won’t disclose the street names here. Because we don’t want anybody tracking down poor Mrs. Fitz and causing her embarrassment. I bet she feels like an idiot for letting total strangers tour her house. After this little incident, the kids are starting to doubt whether their Grandfather is actually from Kentucky or some other state. Come to think of it, they wonder if they are actually related to all the people that Don has been calling “family” for the past 20 years, and they are hoping they aren’t related to Don. Kids today are too cynical. Blame the internet.

• Emily : What is “TRANS FAT?”

Dad : It is a type of “FAT” that gender identifies as FAT of the opposite SEX.

NOTE: This joke is MY OWN CREATION, but nobody believes me!!!

• It’s not that I don’t play well with others … it’s that others don’t play well with me.

• “Montreal” … another reason to hate Canada.

• I just thought of a sentence that sounds dirty, but isn’t: “Moby Dick is a Titular character”.

​

KATHRYN aka Mom

 

Kathryn continues to be the matriarch of the family. She drives the kids to school, keeps everybody’s schedules committed to memory, and basically keeps us all from starving to death or resorting to cannibalism. She also keeps us from dying from typhoid by keeping the home clean. She even has time to go to Jazzercise. About the only thing bad you can say about Kathryn is that she is delusional. Most of her day is spent yelling at Don as she makes false accusations. For example, the big puddles of water all over the bathroom floor are Don’s fault just because he was the one who took the shower last. Don’s dirty underpants left on the kitchen floor? Don, of course! Or the person who left out the bread, mustard, and meat was Don. Just because he was the last person to make a sandwich! And don’t get me started about who gets blamed for crumbs all over the sink, floor, table, sofa, carpet, bed, piano, etc. Kathryn just assumes Don is walking around the house without a plate … like some big hairy hairless, feral beast. Sure. Everything is always Don’s fault. Oh ya. And newsflash everybody: Don is also responsible for the Lindbergh kidnapping. Maybe Kathryn should give up Jazzercise. She gets plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions!

 

So here’s an interesting story about Kathryn. As some of you know, she loves a good practical joke. She goes to great lengths to plan and execute her pranks. This year, Kathryn executed a true classic for April Fool’s day. First, a few days before April Fool’s Day she and I went to a local tattoo parlor and she photographed a series of staged photos of her and I getting “inked”. Then she took the photos home and photo shopped some sentimental images onto the pictures to make it look like we had gotten “inked”. Then for April Fool’s Day, she and I went out to dinner and a movie. All throughout dinner and the movie she would slowly post picture after picture onto FACEBOOK showing the progress of our inking. It was great watching the emails and text pour in. The emails ran the entire spectrum from Don’s little brother who instantly knew this was a gag, cheers and encouragement from our other friends, and blind panic from Don’s parents who was begging us to stop. We had a good laugh! Unfortunately, the joke was on us because now Don’s parents were so mad that they said they were writing us out of the will. We’re sort of hoping that that this is their version of an April Fool Joke.  

 

Lastly, Kathryn’s big news is that she has a part time job. She is decorating gourmet cookies at a local company called “Cookie Art”. It’s a small shop, but they bake shortbread cookies and then decorate them with intricate pictures made out of icing. They’re amazing! It’s the perfect job for Kathryn. It appeals to her meticulous nature, her love of art, her love of cookies, and her need to get out of the house and away from her great hairless feral beast. And every time she makes a mistake, she gets to eat the evidence before her boss finds out! Talk about win/win situations! But enough of that, let’s fast forward to everybody’s favorite part of the Christmas card … Kathryn’s quotes. Yes, these are things she actually says throughout the year. Actually, she says stuff like this every day. I just forget to write them down most of the time! Here goes!

 

• My safe word is “vanilla”

• Nymphmania. Necrophelia. What’s the difference? (It’s more fun making you wonder how this could possibly come up in a conversation)

• Emily: If you had to live one moment in your life over and over forever, what would it be?

Don: The day I met your mother.

Kathryn: Hold on!!! Does that mean I’m also forced to relive that same moment over and over?

• Don: Before I ever go into a nursing home, I hope they take me out back and shoot me.

Kathryn: We should hold a raffle to see who gets to shoot you. We would make a fortune.

• When your son makes his first Communion, the Mafia makes you an offer you can’t refuse. (Editor’s Note: NO!!! When your daughter of a Mafia leader gets married, he will not refuse a request).

• David!!! How do you expect the Holy Spirit to get into your soul with all that wax in your ears?

• Wine tastes better without children

• Lady in wine store: This would be perfect “beach house” wine

Kathryn: All wines would pair well with a beach house.

• Don: I always order “Soup de jour” … but it never tastes the same. Get it?

Kathryn: I wonder what “Husband de jour” would be like.

• I have a Master’s Degree, but all I do is transport children around town in the minivan. I should have gone to Driving School instead.

• Kathryn: Johnny Depp is on my list of guys I would marry if your father ever dies.

Katelyn: What about Robert Downey Jr.?

Kathryn: He’s on my list of guys I would marry even if your father doesn’t die.

• Dad’s “Trans Fat” joke was pretty funny … who did he steal it from?

​

 

DONALD (Age 17)

 

Donald is in his Senior year at Walsh Jesuit High School. He’s doing well in his classes and he is involved in several activities. Most of his time was spent in the marching band, where he was the Assistant Drum Major. He is also working on the set crew for the Walsh Show Choir. For fun, Donald has a Dungeons and Dragons club that meets at our house every Friday night. Donald acts as the Dungeon Master and he and his eclectic group of “sci-fi enthusiast” friends (straight out of a Frederico Felinni casting call … google it. It’s funny.) spend the evening battling Orcs and Goblins. About the only time they deviated from their usual activities was on May 4th which is “Star Wars” Day (May the Fourth be with you … get it?). On that day, Kathryn and I came home early and found the group of them out on the front lawn having a massive battle with plastic light sabers. OK, that might have been endearing had they been 10 years old. But when they were all 16 and 17 years old, it was a bit … troubling. I suggested that they might not want to be seen in public fighting with plastic light sabers. But Donald insisted that Star Wars was an iconic movie, and its message resonated with his generation. I replied that if he kept playing with light sabers on the front lawn, then the only movie that would be resonating with him in the future would be The 40 Year Old Virgin.

 

As for college, Donald is strongly leaning towards going to the University of Louisville next year to study Computer Science and Engineering. It’s where his Grandfather (my dad) graduated way back in 1957. Donald also applied for admission into the UofL “Honors Program” which is difficult to get into. Good grades is only part of the application. You also need to write an essay describing why you are a unique candidate with qualities unlike all the other applicants. More on this in a moment. So while Donald was applying for the Honors Program, he also was applying for a lot of scholarships. Hey, college ain’t cheap! So Donald was applying for any grant or scholarship he could find. Scholarship for alumni grandchildren? Check! STEM Majors? That’s me! Young Republican? Of course! Transgender Female? Willing to learn! One eyed syphilitic druid? You bet! Well, anyways, Donald had papers lying all over the house with all sorts of scholarship applications. He can be a bit disorganized (read as “slob”). So it’s pretty easy to get paper’s mixed up with one another.

 

Anyways, one of his scholarships was for “non-art majors with artistic talents”. For this one you needed to write an essay and provide a sample of your art work. Well … and you are not going to believe this … Donald wrote an essay about his marching band experience and then proceeded to draw a BIG GIANT HAND TURKEY on top of his essay. Yes Really! You know, the ones that you draw in the second grade right after they teach you to stop eating the paste and running with the sharp scissors. So that’s pretty funny, right? Ya, he thought so too. Well, here’s what makes it REALLY funny. Remember that “Honors Program” applications where Donald needed to prove he was … different? And remember how Donald had papers lying around the house for all these scholarships? And also, there were so many of them that it would be easy to confuse one paper for the next? OK, I think we see where this is going. Yes, Donald accidentally drew his hand turkey on the wrong paper. He drew it on his Honors College application and sent it in. He only realized his mistake after he had mailed his application. Well, in spite of the “hand turkey” … or maybe because of the “hand turkey”... Donald was granted admission into the UofL Honors Program! Yes, Really! Our guess is that the admission department thought it was a picture of the Louisville Cardinal mascot. Hey the rest of the family are still Kentucky Wildcat fans. So we need to take the occasional dig. Oh, in case you are wondering. Donald drew another “hand turkey” for his Art Scholarship. We won’t find out about that one until February. But let’s keep our fingers crossed. It will make a great story for next year’s Christmas card! Here are some Donald quotes:

• Dad : Donald, why don’t you use a plate when you eat like I do?

Donald : Dad, eating over the sink does not count as “using a plate”.

• Dad’s “Trans Fat” joke was pretty funny … who did he steal it from?

 

EMILY (Age 14 … and Teenage Daughters are an absolute delight to live with!)

 

Emily is in her sophomore year in high school where she plays in the marching band with her brother Donald. She continues to take piano and flute lessons. She recently made a move over to the Aurora School of Music where there is an absolutely wonderful flute teacher. The students at the school are all devoted flautist students, but Emily refers to them as “FLUTE NERDS”. She loves her flute nerd friends and she is getting quite good at playing. For fun, Emily has been drawing anime comic strips and is working on a graphic novel about a bunch of teenagers with a time machine. Oh ya, I do need to brag a little. Emily and Katelyn went to a summer camp at Ohio Norther University to play music all week. Emily competed in a competition to write an original song. Her music won third place! We were very proud of her especially considering that she was competing against over a hundred high school musicians from all over Ohio. Emily’s also had a big adventure earlier this year. She and her mom flew to Seattle so that her mom could visit her best friend from High School. The funny part of the trip occurred when the plane landed in the state of Washington. Emily looked at her mom and said “hey, I thought Seattle was in Maine”. Our Walsh Jesuit tuition dollars hard at work.

 

The following story pretty much sums up Emily’s life. Emily walked into her English Literature class and sort of drifted off into “Emily Land” while the teacher droned on and on in a “Miss Othmar fashion (google it) about something boring that Emily didn’t care about. Blah! Blah! Blah! Then suddenly the teacher handed out a “surprise quiz” with one sentence at the top which read: IMPRESS ME!!! Emily thought for a moment and decided the most impressive thing she knew was how to fold a paper frog! Voila! So Emily gave detailed instructions and diagrams on how to fold an Origami Frog out of a piece of paper. Then to be EXTRA impressive, she proceeded to fold her quiz paper into an origami frog. Then she proudly walked to the front of the room and handed it in. The teacher said: “Emily, do you realize your quiz is folded into the shape of a frog?” Emily responded, “Yes. Yes I do!” She sat down and proudly watched the rest of the “slow pokes” in class feverishly writing their quizzes. The poor saps had no idea what they were up against. Emily was going to be “setting the curve”! After class, the students asked Emily how she was able to complete the quiz so quickly. The rest of the students had a difficult time “Impressing” the teacher. After all, writing an essay on the complex character development themes found in the novel A Streetcar Named “Desire” was a difficult topic. SAY WHAT?!?! It turned out that when the teacher was saying “Blah! Blah! Blah!” she was actually talking about the quiz and the book the students had been reading the previous three weeks and was giving the students instructions for the quiz. I guess it pays to listen in class, huh? That’s a tip for you students out there! Write it down! So can you imagine the look on the teacher’s face when she was reading one essay after the next about Stella and Blanche … then she sees a damn frog paper. She unfolds the paper frog only to find instructions on how to refold the paper back into a frog! Probably the first time it would be justified for a teacher to write “WTF???” on a quiz before returning it to a student. As if this story wasn’t unbelievable enough already, Emily received a 10/10 on the quiz. The only student in the class to receive a perfect score! Yes, REALLY!!!! This caused Emily’s mom and dad to say: WTF??? Again: Glad to see our Walsh Jesuit tuition dollars hard at work! The moral to this story is that Emily can always rely on the kindness of teachers (that’s a Streetcar Named Desire reference … trust me, it’s funny). Here are some Emily quotes:

• Mom: I don’t ever want to live in a nursing home.

Emily: Don’t worry Mom. Katelyn will take care of you.

• Dad’s “Trans Fat” joke was pretty funny … who did he steal it from?

 

 

KATELYN (Age 12)

 

Lots of adventures for Katelyn this year. First, for her 6th grade school year, we decided to Home School Katelyn. I mean, what harm could it cause? Sure, we encountered all the eye rolling, judgmental  stares, and comments about Katelyn not being socialized with her peers. But Katelyn’s mom is fanatical about schedules and self-discipline. What could go wrong? So Katelyn and her mom started the year diligently waking her up at the crack of dawn and rigidly adhered to a schedule that would make Baron Von Trapp envious. Unfortunately, Katelyn didn’t like the draconian schedule and would give Kathryn “push back”. Classic example of the battle between IMMOVABLE OBJECT vs UNSTOPPABLE FORCE. Even under the best circumstances (which these weren’t) it’s hard to teach an 11 year old how to diagram a sentence when she doesn’t particularly want to learn about it. It’s even harder to teach sentence diagramming when the teacher doesn’t particularly care about it either. So Katelyn began to chip away at her mother’s resolve, and began to make inroads. As the year progressed, Katelyn and her mom would start the day off later and later. Their mornings would be spent drinking tea in their bathrobes and munching on crumpets. As time continued to pass, other corners were cut. For example, Katelyn’s history curriculum often included field trips to the local shopping mall, pedicures, and watching “chick flick” movies. They would cozy up on the couch with a box of Kleenex and a bottle of Merlot to watch “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”.  Who says that home school children don’t learn to socialize with others? Do you know any other 11 year old girls who know how to mix a truly dry Martini? As an epilogue, I need to mention that Katelyn’s Home School graduation ceremony attire was not an academic stole and a mortar board. Instead, she and her mom lounged around the house in “home school” regalia: flannel bathrobes, fuzzy slippers, curlers, green face paint, coffee cups, and cigarettes. They didn’t play Pomp and Circumstance because they were both nursing hangovers. 

 

Now Katelyn has moved into CVCA where she plays trumpet and hand bells in the school orchestra. She is also on the soccer team. Considering her genetic stock, it’s hard to believe that she is actually getting to be a pretty good soccer player! Katelyn’s hobby is that she is addicted to watching television shows about cooking, especially baking. Really! And she loves to help her mom out in the kitchen. I think we are raising our own little “Donna Reed”. Katelyn is an absolute delight to have around the house.  For example she wrote up her own little Christmas “wish list” this year. It included only three things: Mechanical pencils, chocolate covered popcorn, and more time with her family watching funny movies. Isn’t that sweet? I think the only thing missing from her list was “world peace” and a chance to hand out food parcels to the homeless. We’re living with our real life Shirley Temple (in sharp contrast to her older sister … Linda Blair!). Here are Katelyn’s quotes:

• I want to see if I blush when I'm embarrassed. So I was flirting with myself in the mirror.

• The soldier in that movie had Post DRAMATIC stress syndrome.

• Dad keeps telling Mom that he’s her “stud muffin”. Does “Stud Muffin” mean the same thing as “Couch Potato”?

• Suzy Berlin: Where can I put my pop can?

Katelyn: The garbage can is over there.

Suzy: Don’t you recycle?

Katelyn: Of course we do … but mom isn’t home right now.

• Mom: Katelyn, why do you have half a deck of cards in your room?

Katelyn: Because the other half is someplace else.

• Dad’s “Trans Fat” joke was pretty funny … who did he steal it from?

 

DAVID (Age 8)

 

This year David is now attending Heritage Classic Academy. We were looking for a school that shared our values and focused on classical education. We found it at Heritage. The school teaches traditional values, memorization, and logic and reasoning. Basically, this school is everything that the Department of Education despises. They even teach the kids about Chivalry. David is taught to hold the door for the girls, carry their books, and give up his chair for them. Basically, he is taught to be polite. The girls are taught to say “thank you” when the boys act chivalrous! This school pretty much fell out of a Norman Rockwell painting. What’s even better is that the parents share our political leanings. They are all ultra-right wing conservative Tea Party Christians. And when your third grader is able to recite the Bill of Rights, especially the Second Amendment, you know you are home! I probably should have issued a “Trigger Alert” before writing the above paragraph.

 

The quality about David that is most endearing is his enthusiasm. No matter what he does, he dives right into in with both feet and is instantly the “expert”. When Kathryn wants to dig weeds in the garden, she asks David and he cheerfully says “I’m great at that” even when he has no idea what he’s doing! He loves to open wine bottles, scrub pans, snake out toilets, whatever. He just is so happy to try, regardless of whether or not he knows what he’s doing. This also carries over into other facets of life. For example, the family recently went to see the movie “Murder On The Orient Express”. All through the movie David sat in his seat talking to the screen trying to deduce “Whodunnit”. “I think that guy did it!” “No wait, it was that lady”. “That guy did it too!” David went on and on. It was cute at first. But then it stopped being cute and started to get irritating. Yes, we thought about telling him to stop talking, but we were so embarrassed that we didn’t want to claim ownership. Eventually, people started telling him to “shhhhhh” and asking him to please stop talking. So David blurts out, “It’s OK because I know who the real killer is. My Dad saw the movie already and he said that everybody on the train killed the guy!” Oh ya, spoiler alert (tagging the running joke from the 2014 Christmas Card). 

 

For fun David is playing CYO basketball. He’s actually pretty good! Last week he pulled down three rebounds and took a shot. He also goes to a chess club and he is a very good chess player. He competed in his first tournament ever last May when he was in second grade. He was competing against students from K-8 and won the tournament with a score of five victories and one draw. So we were really proud of him! Here are his quotes:

• When Mermaids cry … do they cry “air”?

• David: When I grow up, I’m going to put my money in slot machines and make a million dollars!

Dad: Slot machines are rigged. You can’t win. It’s how casinos steal money from people.

David: When I grow up, I want to own a casino.

• David : Johnny can you solve a Rubik’s cube?

Cousin Johnny Kurtz (Age 17): I’m color blind. So that makes the problem trivial.

• Dad’s “Trans Fat” joke was pretty funny … who did he steal it from?

 

DONALD WEDDING III Contribution to the Christmas Card:

 

My oldest son, Donald wanted to add a story to the Christmas card this year. Recall that last year he wrote a slightly embellished story about our trip to Tony Packo’s restaurant where I came across as a clueless lout. This year he is giving his version of the family trip to Louisville where we accidentally toured the wrong house. Again, he falsely portrays his dad as a clueless lout. NOTE, in order to understand the story, here are the characters: DON SR. is the Grandfather of the kids. I am DON JR.  And DONALD III is my son who wrote the story. He is considering attending the University of Louisville where his Grandfather (DON SR.) attended. Enjoy!

 

This year, my father has done his best to help introduce us to “Family Heritage” through any means necessary. By this I mean that my father has driven us around Kentucky, showing us every last possible place that my grandfather, my great uncle, or some hobo that we might be related to have ever set foot. As mentioned before, he dragged us to some random crack house in Louisville, claimed it to be his father’s old house, and proceeded to force us on a self-guided, misinformed tour of a gang infested areas as gun shots rang out in the distance. He’s done this several times over the summer. Here are a few quick summaries of how some of these excursions have gone:

 

• Don Sr.’s College:

Dad: Did you kids know that your grandfather went to U of L?

Emily: No way! I thought you were joking the first 26 times you told us!

• Don Sr’s Dorm:

Dad: This is the same building that your grandfather slept in for 4 years! Hey Donald! Are you excited to have the possibility of sleeping in the same building as your grandfather?

Donald: Well considering its now an “all girls” dorm…

• Don Sr’s Dorm Room:

Emily: Isn’t this considered breaking and entering?

• Great-Grandpa Joe Wedding’s Public Library:

Dad: Do you kids have any exciting questions about the place your Great Grandpa Joe learned to read?

David: What does “Founded in 2002” mean?

• Don Sr’s Elementary school:

Dad: This bathroom here is the same bathroom your grandpa used every day when he was in 3rd grade! Anyone want to join in on some family heritage? 

• Don Jr (Dad)’s High school:

Dad: Alright kids, I’m going to give you a tour of my old high school St. John’s. After graduating, the school forbade me to come within 50 feet of the entrance, so we are going to do this all in our imaginations.