DON (aka “DADDY”) 

Surprise! Don changed jobs in 2011! Ya, right. He does that every year but this time there is a twist. He went back to his old company, SAS! Yes, you heard correctly, there is a company out there that already knows Don and yet they still are willing to hire him … again! I wish that SAS was traded publicly and that I had a stock broker, so that I could forbid him from ever buying stock in SAS. So why did Don go back to SAS? Turns out that he didn’t realize that when you join a consulting firm like Accenture then you are going to travel. A lot! Who knew? Luckily, as soon as Don realized his mistake he noticed the following job posting:

 

WANTED: Demo Monkey. Seeking individual who is willing to talk about statistics and other things that nobody really cares about or wants to hear. Necessary for applicant to be able to tell the same lame jokes over and over and over and over again without ever tiring of jokes or sound of his own voice. Should be oblivious to fact that people are laughing AT him and not WITH him. 

 

Other than that, Don started doing the PX-90 work out tapes in order to finally get into shape. His original goal was to get down to a “B-Cup”. Amazingly, he reached that overly aggressive goal and exceeded it. He can now do about 4 or 5 push ups. Goal for next year would be to do 4 or 5 of the “non-girl” push ups (girl push up is the kind where you leave your knees on the ground). The most exciting event of Don’s year was when he got to meet his hero, Sgt. Slaughter, who was a professional big time wrestler in the WWF in the early 1980’s. Sgt. Slaughter made an appearance at a Lake County Captains Baseball game and Don and family got to meet him! Don even asked “Sarge” if Professional Wrestling was fake. Srgt. Slaughter assured Don that it was real. So I guess the world finally has its answer! Thanks Don! 

 

Don Quotes: 

“I lack the authority to approve that … ask your mother”

“Sorry Sweetheart … I could have sworn Valentine’s Day came after Easter. My bad.”

 

KATHRYN (aka “MAMMA”, aka “SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED”, aka “YES DEAR”)

 

Kathryn continues to run the Wedding Family household with an iron fist using the techniques that she learned from her favorite book “The Leadership Secrets of Atila the Hun”. Basically, it boils down to the rest of us doing exactly what we are told without question. Kathryn is spends her free time acting as the Leader of Emily’s troup of Brownies. What’s that like? Imagine Baron Von Trapp and his children prior to the arrival of Frauline Maria … if you don’t get the joke, rent Sound of Music and then laugh. Kathryn is also doing a lot of work around the house in order to make it feel like a home that is filled with love. Her latest project was making curtains and matching seat covers for the kitchen which look great. Also, she supervised a new floor being put into the kitchen. The old floor? Long story, but it involves a family member (who shall remain nameless) when she dumped a tub of noodles down the garbage disposal, causing the sink drain to get blocked, and then the dishwasher overflowing causing all the floor boards to get water logged and warped. Kathryn insisted on adding the following rebuttal to my previous comment: After the dishwasher overflowed, a different nameless family member attempted to “help” by throwing “sham wows” all over the floor and leaving them there and then going back to watching television. The soaking wet “sham wows” sat there for six hour which is why the floor boards warped. Anyway, if the idiot had eaten the dang leftovers like he was supposed to, none of this would have happened. Don’s rebuttal: Notice how Kathryn plugs up the drain, yet it magically becomes my fault that the floor was destroyed? Typical. Anyways, here’s something from the improbability file. People say that God has a sense of humor. Kathryn says that’s obvious since He somehow got her to marry Don. Kathryn also says that God has a great sense of sympathy after pulling such a trick on her, and He is trying to make it up to her with prizes! For example, this year Kathryn was the winner of not one … not two … but THREE different raffles. She won a gift basket of fine wines, a case of free cookies from a “Peanut Free” cookie maker, and an overnight “Getaway” for two at a nearby Hotel (Kathryn wants to know if she can substitute it for a two night getaway for just one person). It turns out that the odds of winning those three raffles was 1 in 195,249,054 (which also happens to be the exact odds of Winning the Powerball Lottery). Too bad Kathryn didn’t play the Lotto instead, because the laws of physics dictate that the conservation of luck means that she would have won $200 Million instead of a crate of “Chips Ahoy”.

 

Kathryn Quotes:

 

“I think I should change my name to “Our Lady of Perpetual Cleaning” … Note: If you are Catholic, then you can attest to the fact that this is a really funny joke.

 

Kathryn: Oops. I accidentally left your shirts in the drier all weekend and now they are wrinkled. But that’s ok. You can wear them and your body heat and natural pheromones will cause your shirts to become unwrinkled.

Don: Really?

 

David aka “Demanding David” (Age 2):

 

Over the past year, David has grown from a delightful little bundle of joy into a demanding, self absorbed, passive aggressive, tyrannical monster. For example, even though he talks very well now, his favorite form of communication is to point and say “AAAGH!” (sort of like a little baby cave man) and then he pouts until he gets what he wants. This is similar to the way “Chuck” used to bounce a basketball in order to communicate with “Howard Cunningham” in the first season of the old TV show Happy Days (note that if you didn’t grow up in the 1970’s, find somebody who did and they’ll explain why this obscure joke is so funny). David has also found some new favorite toys over the past year. If you recall, David used to love anything with an “on/off” switch, but mostly loved vacuum cleaners and dish washers. Now David loves “Diggers”. By “Digger”, we mean any piece of mechanical equipment that has wheels, makes loud noises, and releases noxious fumes (sort of like Daddy, except for the part about having wheels). His other favorite toys of choice are “guns” which for David includes anything from sticks to Legos to squirt guns. Given how “macho” his Daddy is, it hard to understand how David developed these obsessions. Recently we were in a toy store and David was playing with some toy guns that were for sale. Some bleeding heart liberal lady came up to me and said, “I think it’s terrible that you allow your children to play with toy guns”. I just looked at her with a bewildered expression and said, “he’s only 2 … don’t you think he’s a little young for a REAL gun?” So today there is some psycho leftist busybody out there running around telling this same story, except she doesn’t have the punch line. David’s biggest fear for 2011 was fireworks, which means that when we go to Lake County Captains Baseball games on Fireworks night, David usually gets really scared and he and Daddy have to go sit in the van while the rest of the family has fun. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for 2012. On a final note, David has started pre-school and got his first report card. Although he is doing really well overall, his teachers pointed out that he has an area for improvement. We quote his report card verbatim:

 

We are working with David to help him understand that the routine of the classroom doesn’t run on “DAVID TIME”.

 

David’s Quotes:

 

“Mom, you’re driving me nuts!!!”

“Emily, you’re cramping my style!!!”

 “I’m not “high maintenance” … I’m DAVID !”

 

Katelyn “Little Miss Cynical” (Age 6):

 

Katelyn entered the first grade this year and is having a wonderful and successful school year. She always remembers her red folder, does her homework, listens in class, follows the rules, and is a joy for the teachers to have around. Basically, Katelyn is the exact opposite of her older sister, Emily. Katelyn has discovered that the first few months of every school year involve having to live down the memory of her older sister. Apart from being such a joy to have around, we have realized that Katelyn has a very cynical nature and is pathologically pragmatic. To get an idea, hop on YOUTUBE and listen to the song “A Book Report on Peter Rabbit” from the musical You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown. Katelyn’s approach to life is similar to Lucy’s as she counts each word in her book report. For example, whenever her mother wants to make cookies and offers to teach her daughters how to bake, Emily is always thrilled to help while Katelyn will say that she is going to watch television while Mom and Emily do all the work. But Katelyn is the first in line once the cookies are ready! Katelyn continues to take piano and is coming along very well. Her favorite hobby is drawing horses, deer, unicorns, and Pegasus. Katelyn’s biggest fear continues to be vampires. Every night, she is so concerned with the thought of Dracula biting her on the neck that she takes her flannel blanket and wraps it around her neck like a big giant scarf. She looks a lot like the 1970’s “Tom Baker” incarnation of the TV show Dr. Who. 

 

Katelyn’s Quotes:

 

Today is NOT ‘Opposite Day’ ! ‘Opposite Day’ is in January … not December !

 

Katelyn made up this joke while drinking Diet Dr. Pepper:

Q: What did the doctor like to drink when he was on a diet?

A: Diet Dr. Pepper … then he had to go to the doctor … get it?

 

Emily “The Reason Mom and Dad Started Drinking” , “Shirley Temple/Linda Blair” (Age 8):

 

As another year passes, our darling Emily continues to march to the beat of her own little drum. Although she does very well in school, she seems to take a rather flexible view on rules and deadlines and treats them more as “suggestions”.  Hence, we continue to get calls and emails from her school – which is surprising since Catholic schools are traditionally very tolerant of this type of behavior.  Emily continues her involvement in the Brownies (which plays to her strengths of going along with the crowd).  She is has also joined the Seton Catholic Basketball team and has started taking Karate Lessons with her brother Donald. Emily has excelled in Karate and practices constantly and shows amazing discipline and focus in class. She listens to direction and fanatically follows all of the karate dojo’s rules and regulations. In an unrelated note, we have invited her karate instructor to come and stay with us … forever. Emily also was in a play this summer. She was in the “Royal Navy” in Alice in Wonderland, and was absolutely adorable on stage. Her artistic side was not limited to theater as Emily continues to play piano. She has a real gift for music and is learning currently learning “Carol of the Bells” and “The Entertainer”. We can’t wait for her next recital! For fun, Emily likes to go to Halloween haunted houses with her Daddy. None of the other kids will go except Emily. Her dream is to work as an actress in a Haunted House when she gets older. Finally, Emily shows what a little nurturing heart she has. She adores David and babysits him outside while he rides around on his tricycle so Kathryn can actually get dinner ready. Emily is most afraid of the 1950’s movie, The Blob. Recently, Emily told us that she sometimes thinks she sees “The Blob” on her blankets at night when she is going to bed. She told us that she determines whether it is really the blob by rubbing it on her face. We explained that if that really was the blob, it would eat her. Emily responded that was her plan since if it is the blob, she wants to go quickly by having it eat her head as opposed to it starting at her feet. We think that makes sense, sort of.

 

Emily Quote:

 

Emily: When I dream, I use all 5 of my senses. Luckily, my dreams are “peanut free” so I don’t have an allergic reaction.

 

Donald “Our Favorite” (Age 11):

 

There are two types of people in the world: 1) those who say you should not have a favorite child, and 2) those who actually have children. Donald is continues his 11 year reign as our undisputed favorite child. He does the dishes, takes out the trash, doesn’t fight with his siblings, and his favorite hobbies are playing with Legos and reading. Other than the fact that his Dad is beginning to wonder if we need a paternity test, what’s not to love? Donald is an excellent student, is doing great at piano, is a student helper at his karate school, was in two musicals this year, and is his Lego robot league team qualified for districts.  Donald also reached a major mile stone this year. As his parents, we were concerned with all of the liberal propaganda that he is subjected to (i.e. global warming, big government, political correctness, etc.). We were horrified to think that he was being force fed a leftist political agenda. The only way to counterbalance this, in our opinion, was for us to force feed him an extreme rightist political agenda. Therefore, we gave him a copy of Ayn Rand’s book, Anthem, for his birthday. He loved the book and now watches Fox News with his parents every night. We hope that this will prevent our son from ever being brain washed. Donald also went to his very first dance at Seton Catholic School which was for the 6th, 7th, and 8th graders. Donald said it started off very slow, until one of the girls in his class showed him how to “slow dance”. After he learned what he was supposed to do, he went and danced with every girl in his grade. Yes, Donald is following in the footsteps of his dear old Dad … a real lady’s man! Sad to report that Donald no longer has any cute fears like “The Blob” or “Zombies”. He claims that he is too old to have nightmares about such things. Unfortunately for Donald, in a few years he will have his first job and will learn about real life terror when he first encounters … the IRS !

 

Donald Quotes:

 

Donald: If Cows are “red meat” and chicken is “white meat”, then what would a Platypus taste like?

 

Dad: I am going to pick up the girls from school, where is my bill fold?

Donald: Why do you need your billfold if you are only going to be driving?

Dad: I would need it in case I got stopped by the police.

Donald: Oh…so then you could bribe them?