DON (aka “DADDY”)

 

As usual, Don started working on this letter on December 26, 2011, amidst the usual backdrop of objections from his wife, Kathryn. She says that nobody reads these write ups because they are too long and all they do is portray our family as an irrational, dysfunctional, and somewhat insane version of the Addam’s Family. She doesn’t get the fact that people DO read them for EXACTLY that reason. People read these write ups because it’s comforting to know that there is at least one family out there more screwed up than theirs! I keep explaining to Kathryn, “Don’t you understand, Sweetheart? They aren’t laughing WITH us … they are laughing AT us”. It’s always fun to watch her reaction when somebody says, “we enjoyed your write up this year, it made us laugh.”  Because when they say that then Kathryn hears “we enjoyed your write up this year, it made us feel like we are better than you.” It’s like nails on a chalk board for her, and she usually accuses Don of having told the person so say that. To make matters worse, our family letter from last year got printed in Detroit News. Really! One of our friends read the story about two year old David playing with toy guns while the annoying lady confronted us saying children shouldn’t play with guns. Somebody thought the story was amusing so they submitted the story. It got printed. All Kathryn could say was, “Now the entire motor city feels my shame. Why do they encourage him?” It might be fun to try to get this letter printed in the New York Times.

 

This has been an eventful year for Don. He continues to work at SAS and enjoys his job. It is unlikely that there will be any job change in his near future, so if anybody has “less than two years” in the job change betting pool then you might lose that one. The one thing that is bothering Don about his job is that they are forcing him to upgrade his cell phone to an Android. As some of you know, Don is a “Techno Grouch” and hates change (and usually can’t deal with new gadgets). It turns out that of 10,000 employees at SAS, Don was one of the last 20 who still had a Blackberry (he refused to upgrade). Last month, Don called the IT department and said his Blackberry was “too difficult to learn” and asked them to give him a pager. That’s when they noticed that he had spent the past two years ignoring their threatening emails. Now he is in a very foul mood when people ask him about his bright, shiny, new high tech cell phone! He should have kept his mouth shut. That’s the story of Don’s life. The only other thing to say about Don’s career is that he helped organize the first annual Data Mining Conference at Central Connecticut State University. It was actually a pretty interesting accomplishment, but it isn’t particularly funny. So if you care, ask him about it some time.

 

Now let’s move on to the happenings of 2012. As you all know, the Mayan Indian calendar predicts that the earth is going to end on December 22. OK, now let’s think about this. Notice that December 22 comes BEFORE Christmas, right? So obviously, buying Christmas presents for your wife is a total waste of time. Therefore, Don is crossing his fingers and hoping that this backward, bone-through-the-nose group of savages is correct, and we all die horrific deaths three days before Christmas. Otherwise, Don might be in big trouble.

 

Don’s Quotes: 

 

• “It’s December 26, better start working on next year’s letter”

 

• Don - talking to kids on March 14 aka “PI DAY” (3.14 Get it?)

DON: PI is an irrational number because it non-terminating and non-repeating. Mom is like “PI” because she is IRRATIONAL.

KATHRYN: And Daddy is *NOT* an IRRATIONAL number … because he REPEATS himself over and over and over again.

 

• Don – After watching the movie “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter”

DON: It was a good movie, but I noticed a lot of historical inaccuracies.

KATHRYN: You mean like the part where Lincoln was hunting vampires?

 

• Don – Defending himself from yet another unfair accusation

“Sweetheart, leaving the ketchup out is NOT a mean thing to do! It’s inconsiderate!”

 

KATHRYN (aka “MAMMA”, aka “SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED”, aka “YES DEAR”)

 

Kathryn has expanded her horizons this year from her usual job of taking care of the family. First she resumed going to Bible study and she has also started learning about different types of wines from all over the world. Other than that, Kathryn’s life is pretty much the same as always except that there’s one subtle difference. She no longer tells her friends that she has “five children”. Now she says that she has “four children … and a pet bear”. When her mother asks her how she can deal with having a husband like Don, she simply says, “Didn’t you read the first part of this paragraph? I pray and I drink! Usually not even in that order.”

 

Aside from her dependence upon these two spirits, Kathryn also has started going to a book club because she wanted to be able to talk about intelligent topics with other intelligent women. Their first book was called Fifty Shades of Grey which probably has something to do with black and white photography. Also, Kathryn continues to be a Girl Scout Leader for Emily’s troop. She puts in a lot of time and effort into making things special for the girls. She’s also starting to do a lot more sewing and has started making clothes for herself. However, I don’t want to give you the impression that Kathryn is the only normal member of the family. Her latest obsession is that Kathryn wants to start raising chickens so that she can have her own “fresh eggs and poultry”. Not joking. How much does she know about chickens? Counting all the time she spent raising them as a little girl, the answer is ZERO! Sadly (luckily) our home owners association won’t let her have chickens. She wants Don to get on the association board and change that rule. Ya, I’m all over that one.

 

Other than her day to day life, Kathryn delights in making our holidays memorable and filled with love. Christmas is an especially wonderful time in the Wedding Family household because of her. After 15 years, we have come to know and love all of our happy little family traditions that have grown over the years. First, Kathryn gets out all of the decorations so that we can get the house into the Christmas spirit. Then, as Don and the kids start to decorate, she lovingly screams at us because we are “doing it the wrong way”. Then, after the house is decorated in just the right way, she gets out all of the cookie supplies and bakes several dozen of the most delicious cookies. Well, in truth we don’t actually know whether or not they taste good since nobody would dare to touch one without a notarized permission slip. Next she edits the Christmas card letter and lovingly accuses Don of “making things up”! Finally, we get the kids dressed up on their best clothes and pile them into the car to wait several hours to get their picture taken with Santa Claus. It’s a magical time indeed!

 

 

Kathryn’s Quotes:

 

“What is the best way to keep my husband from ruining the finish on our dining room table again … aside from divorce?”

 

Kathryn : We better order dessert, today is fat Tuesday

Don : But today is Sunday

Kathryn : It’s Fat Tuesday all week

 

“The child to sunscreen ratio should not be 1 to 1.”

 

Kathryn: I’m sorry honey, but I didn’t get you anything for your birthday.

Don : That’s OK. All I ever want is your love.

Kathryn: That’s too bad. It’s much easier for me to just get you a present.

 

“I’ll finish cooking my own Mother’s Day dinner in about hour. That will be just enough time for you to take your second nap.” (Kathryn speaking to Don on Mother’s Day) (… p.s. Don’t judge Don too harshly. This quote was taken out of context!)

 

“I don’t understand. No matter how much I nag you, you still don’t do what I tell you to do!”

 

“I notice that your “two-thirds” of the bed is staying the size … while my one-third is getting smaller”

 

“Wow, I’m 37 … that sounds older than 36, doesn’t it?”

 

“I AM nice to you! You should hear all of the things I DON’T say!”

 

“A plate is the most important part of a successful sandwich.”  (Kathryn the “neat freak” being hyper critical about the way Don walks around the house leaving crumbs everywhere)

 

“I don’t have a problem … I have an Engineer!”

“Get your own geek!”

(Hey, sometimes she says nice things about me!)

 

Donald “Our Favorite” (Age 12):

 

As we do every year, we officially announce that Donald is our favorite child. What’s not to love? He does the dishes and he doesn’t cause trouble. What more can any parent ask for? He’s doing great in school and played FDR in the summer play “Annie”. We were, of course, horrified that he got the part of a liberal. So when people ask what role he had, we lie to them and say he played a serial killer (in order to hide our shame). Donald also tried out for his school’s musical. They are doing “Fiddler on the Roof” and Donald earned the part of Mottel and will be singing “Wonder of Wonder, Miracle of Miracles”. It’s an abridged version, of course, but there still going to be a lot of singing and lines to memorize for the youngsters. During the tryouts, Donald and some of the other boys were asked to be in a “crowd scene” in the tavern. The boys were supposed to act like guys in a bar. All of the boys instantly acted like a bunch of drunks and pretty much hammed it up so much that nobody was watching the people trying for real parts. The boys had a blast and it drove the teachers crazy! Who would have thought that little boys would like acting like drunks on a stage? Now all of the little boys at Seton are fighting for the most coveted role in play: The Town Drunks. Just in case Donald isn’t getting beaten up enough for being in a musical, he is also the captain of his Lego Robot Team. He’s on cloud nine because he gets to build robots out of Lego’s and then program them with a computer. And when he isn’t doing that, he watches “The Big Bang Theory” on TV. He’s starting to think that being a geek is cool. If anybody wants make Donald’s journey to the Dark Side of geekdom even more complete, then you might consider giving him an official Start Trek Red Shirt (Adult Small) for Christmas (Bet his Dad would like one too … XL )

 

On the social front, we are happy to announce that Donald had his first date ever! Donald went to his school dance (for 6th, 7th, and 8th graders). Donald decided that he would try to dance with all the girls in his class at least once! After dancing with one of the girls, she asked Donald if they could “hang out some time”. Donald said “sure” and then hurried away to go dance with the next girl on his list. Typical. See ladies? We’re oblivious even when we’re in the 7th grade! Anyways, a few weeks later, Donald mentioned it to his Mom who had to explain to him that it might be a good idea to actually call the girl and ask her to “hang out” like he said he would. Donald was really nervous and didn’t want to do it. Besides, he didn’t even know where to take her. He finally figured that getting ice cream would be a pretty safe idea. Everybody likes ice cream, right? Typical. See ladies? We’re unimaginative even when we’re in the 7th grade! We drove Donald over to Hershey’s Ice Cream where he met his date. He bought her an ice cream sundae and they sat and “hung out” for a while. The parents were even relegated to a different table! That made it an “official date”. At the end of the date, both tweens said that they had fun and Donald promised to “call her some time”. He never did. Typical. See ladies? We’re jerks even when we’re in the 7th grade! We believe that Donald gets this quality from Kathryn.

 

Donald’s Quotes:

 

Donald’s Homework Question:

Define the following word and use it in a sentence - “matronly”

Donald’s Definition : “Possessing the qualities of a matron”

Donald’s Sentence : The man was very matronly.

 

 

Donald learning that Mom can’t own chickens in our neighborhood

“Mom, if you aren’t allowed to have chickens, then maybe we can buy some platypuses and eat their eggs”.

 

 

“Remedy is the soul of wit”

 

Emily “The Reason Mom and Dad Started Drinking”, “Shirley Temple/Linda Blair” (Age 9):

 

Emily is starting to show some real talent in the theater. First, she got a pretty big part in the summer play, Annie. Emily played one of the orphans and got to sing “It’s a hard knocks life”. Of all the children on the stage, Emily was the most emotive and had this look of anger on her face as she sang and danced around the stage singing about how life in and orphanage is rotten. She was really cute. Continuing in the creative theme, Emily is continuing with piano lessons and is doing really well. She even wrote her first song. Her piano teacher was really impressed by it and wants her to play the song at her next recital. So watch Facebook for the video of the first public performance of “Go To Sleep”.

 

In the athletic world, Emily has started taking Karate lessons. She had been watching Donald take Karate for many years and decided that she would like to try it. She learns quickly and throws herself into every lesson. She does everything that the instructors say and gives 110% all of the time. Every class they stop class and point to Emily and say, “why can’t the rest of you be like Emily”. The instructors love her. The other students hate her! They are even letting her attend the adult class now. Additionally, Emily was in her first tournament and won first place in sparring. She was competing against boys and girls, big and small, young and old. She just would dive in and beat the crap out of them. We were both proud and horrified. Who knew that lurking beneath the exterior of that sweet little face, was the heart of a remorseless, cold blooded killer. 

 

The high point of Emily’s year was that she got to appear at the “Hudson Haunted House”. Every year, for four years, Emily and Dad went to the Hudson Haunted House. We are the only two in the family who see the fun in walking through a dark maze while people jump out and threaten to kill us. Well, four years ago Emily made friends with a college girl named “Amy” who was in the cast (See Amy! I told you that you would be in the Christmas card!!!). Emily became Amy’s “groupie/stalker”. And every year, Emily went back and saw Amy who became her friend. She was thrilled to see Emily again this year and offered to let Emily be in the haunted house. So while Dad stood outside and ate Pizza, Emily and Amy walked through the Hudson Haunted House. Emily would pretend to be “just walking through”. Amy (dressed in a hockey mask and sporting a machete) would grab Emily right in front of other visitors and carry her away while Emily would scream in terror. It was hysterical to watch people run out of the haunted house and scream “THEY TOOK ONE OF THE KIDS! CALL THE POLICE!!!” Give me a break! These people were acting like it was real! When Emily and Amy got bored with terrorizing the customers, Amy took Emily to one of the “scenes” where there was a haunted bath tub and there was fake vampire blood all over the place and then a ghost would jump out and scare you. Well, Amy had Emily lie on the floor and scream. Emily started to ad lib and would crawl across the floor and shriek at the top of her little lungs, “THEY STOLE MY KIDNEYS! THEY STOLE MY KIDNEYS”! Now Emily wants to be in the Haunted House next year as a full time cast member. For some reason, Emily needs to be the center of attention all the time! We believe that Emily gets this quality from Kathryn.

 

 

Emily’s Quotes:

 

Katelyn : “God” spelled backwards is “Dog”

Emily : I know. And “Jesus” spelled backwards is “sausage”

 

 

“I think midgets like to play miniature golf…but for them, it’s probably just regular golf.”

 

 

“I’ve been struck by INSPIREMENT” 

(What Emily says when she sees artwork that she likes)

​

Katelyn “Little Miss Cynical” / “Little Miss Overly Developed Sense of Self-Interest” (Age 7):

 

Katelyn had a happy year with so many little triumphs that make life special for little girls. On top of Katelyn’s list of accomplishments was that she learned to ride a two wheel bicycle and got to play a “hobo” in the children’s theater production of “Annie”. Katelyn didn’t have any speaking lines, yet she stole her scene nonetheless. During her appearance on stage, she broke character when she saw mom and dad in the audience. As soon as she did, her little face lit up and she smiled from ear to hear and then started waving to us (“secretly” of course…so that nobody would notice). Unfortunately for the actors with speaking roles, everybody noticed. The audience was too busy paying attention to Katelyn to listen to dialog. It really rubbed the director the wrong way. I think Katelyn’s days in the theater are numbered. Katelyn is still obsessed with horses. She plays with horses, draws horses, and pretends to be a horse. Her favorite food? RAW OAT MEAL!!! This is no joke. Katelyn eats Quaker Oats out of the box with no water or sugar. Why? Because horses like oats! Yuk.

 

Katelyn’s most unusual quirk is that rather than sleeping in a nice comfortable bed, she prefers to sleep on her bedroom floor inside of a play tent where the internal temperature is consistently 10 degrees hotter. Why? “Because tents are fun, Daddy!!!” This behavior has been going on since the start of summer and has continued throughout the heat wave that occurred in July and August. To make matters worse, Emily and David wanted in on the fun. So, the three of them spent the summer “dog piled” on top of one another inside of a tiny tent filled with pillows, blankets, and stuffed animals. The children called these “slumber jack” parties, which is a far cry different from “War Crimes” which is what the Allies called it when the Japanese did this to POW’s during the Second World War. What has us especially concerned is that two parents in Akron were recently sentenced to 10 years in jail for forcing their children to sleep in “hot boxes” as a form of “discipline”. We are doing just the opposite. When our kids get out of line, we DON’T let them sleep on the hard floor in the sweat-box.

 

As she gets older, we are beginning to get glimpses of Katelyn’s personality and what she will be like when she gets older. So what kind of person is Katelyn turning into? Well, on the surface Katelyn appears to be our most well-adjusted child. She is sweet, imaginative, and has bright, happy little eyes and sparkle with joy. Everybody loves her: family, friends, teachers, classmates, total strangers. The only problem is that lurking just beneath the surface of this adorable little angel is a mind that is an overly developed sense of “pragmatic self-interest”. For example, Katelyn has already discovered a solution to that that annoying problem every 2nd grader has of leaving important papers at school that need to be signed by a parent (e.g. permission slips, home-work, report cards, etc.). Rather than deal with the teacher nagging her about not bringing in some “parental signed” document, Katelyn has taken to forging signatures. She got away with it for quite a while, but was eventually caught. When Mom and Dad confronted her, Katelyn looked at us with absolute amazement (sort of a look that says “how can you not understand this???”) and she simply said “I signed your names so I wouldn’t get in trouble for not getting this signed!!!” Thank you, Captain Obvious. I guess it’s hard to argue with that logic. Katelyn has also recently come to the realization that she doesn’t need to actually DO the mundane tasks required of people in a civilized society. You know the ones I’m talking about: wash the dishes, clean your room, put your clothes away, brush your teeth, bathe regularly, etc.). Katelyn’s solution is to NOT do these tasks and then SAY that she did them. Thus, she gets all the benefits, but none of the annoyance that comes from actually doing. We believe that Katelyn gets this quality from Kathryn.

 

Katelyn’s Quotes:

 

• When I eat beans, it doesn’t make me toot … that’s one of my special talents.

 

• MOM : Katelyn, did you do the dishes?

KATELYN : YES!

MOM : But they’re still dirty! When did you do them?

KATELYN : A couple of weeks ago!

 

• “I’m pretending these baby dinosaurs are orphans. Their parents are extinct.”

 

• “I heard that ‘Gingers’ don’t have souls” (Ginger = Child with Red Hair / Freckles … I am afraid to ask where she learned that. I hope it wasn’t at Catholic school)

​

David aka “Curious George and Damian from the movie THE OMEN” (Age 3):

 

What do you get when you take a little three year old boy, and inject the DNA of “Curious George the Monkey” and that diabolically possessed little boy from “THE OMEN”? Wait! Don’t answer yet! Then toss in a healthy dose of “Eric Cartman” from SOUTH PARK and a little bit of “Stewie” from “Family Guy”. Now, you take your little homunculus and make him read “The Virtue of Selfishness” by Ayn Rand. Voila! You have David!

 

David is a delightful little boy. He’s happy, bright, and a real little “go-getter”. He is the first to volunteer to do everything from helping to clean off the table (i.e. break the dishes) to dragging out the recycle bin on garbage day. In spite of all of his many wonderful qualities, he also is quite a handful. He’s got an adventurous spirit and is very demanding about getting his own way even when it’s contrary to common sense.

 

For example, this year David watched Katelyn learn to ride her two wheel bicycle. After she learned, he decided that he could ride one also. We tried to explain that it wasn’t as easy as it looked. But he threw a fit and demanded his training wheels needed to come off immediately. So Dad took them off and put David on the bike (with a knowing smile that comes from the understanding that your child is about to learn a life lesson about the evil goddess known as “gravity”). Much to everybody’s amazement, David took off and instantly was able to ride his bike! Who knew? I guess it is easy to learn if you don’t know enough to be afraid of falling. So we were really proud of our bike riding prodigy until we realized that David didn’t know how to start or stop a bicycle. David’s solution to starting was simple enough. Throw a tantrum until somebody would go outside with him and give him a push start. No problem. Stopping was a different matter. For stopping, David chose the path of least resistance. Well, that isn’t quite true. A more accurate description would be the path of MAXIMUM resistance. In order to stop, David would drive head long into trees, mail boxes, fire hydrants, parked cars, etc. Basically, anything that wouldn’t move was fair game. Then he would crash and fall off his bicycle. Voila! In airplanes, they say that any landing you can walk away from is a “good landing”. David took that idea to the next level. This went on for a couple of weeks (all the while we kept telling David that he needed to learn to “stop” correctly and that he was going to get hurt). He would have none of it and insisted that he knew how to stop. Then one day while he was stopping, he crashed headlong into a telephone pole at full speed. Guess what happened? He got hurt. Now he refuses to ride a two wheel bike because he insists that “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO RIDE A BICYCLE!” Training wheels had to go right back on. 

 

In pre-school David is doing great. He’s learning to write his name, and his ABC’s, and all the other necessary skills required for graduation into Kindergarten. David is already at the top of his class. The one area where David lags behind the rest of the class is in “sharing”. He also has a difficult time following directions and treats the classroom rules as “suggestions”. At home, David has a similar approach to life. He gets along fine with his siblings so long as they do things his way. They need to let him have the toys he wants, when he wants. They have to watch his TV shows and play the games he wants to play. If not, he throws a fit. This is why we call him “Demanding David”.  He’s a sweet little guy and we love, but he drives us nuts because he wants everything his way all of the time. We believe that David gets this quality from Kathryn.

 

David’s Quotes:

 

DAVID (age 3) : Why Can’t I have a REAL gun?

DADDY : Because those Liberals in Washington trampled all over your 2nd Amendment rights

DAVID : I hate liberals

 

 “It’s not MEAT !!! It’s SPAM !!!” (David probably doesn’t have a career in marketing)

 

“I’m not ‘Captain Obvious’ … I’m DAVID”

 

“Daddy, I’m not rich yet … I don’t have enough money. Can you put more money in my piggybank so that I can be rich?” (David showing latent liberal tendencies already. We are concerned).